How To Guide for Dealing With Sentient Robots

N.S.F.M.

Robots have been coming along to do some pretty cool stuff lately. No doubt, sometime in the near future, we'll start having robot butlers like they did in the Jetson's. Personally, I'm hoping for before 2030, but that's just me. When that happens, they'll have a "brain". Not the kind in which they are allowed to think for themselves, mind you. But one where you can input a bunch of commands, and get the proper, pre-programmed response. But what happens when they become sentient? This is a prospect that is scary. As fuck.

Name me any robot in any movie that, after becoming sentient (or programmed as such) is not dangerous.

We'll start with the big guns: Star Wars. You might be naming R2-D2 and C-3PO here. Firstly, they are not robots. They're fucking droids. They also can be outfitted with restraining bolts, as shown in the first movie (Episode IV, I know, but it was the first one that Lucas made, and it's not shitty.) They have their movements restricted. But what does R2 do? Tricks Luke into removing it. And goes off on his own. Now, try this on for size: R2 is a killing machine. He's a fucking menace. He's got, as shown in the movies, a cattle prod, jet pack launchers, oil slicks, a hack saw, and a fire extinguisher. You might chalk up the fire extinguisher to something good, but then you realize that there's a good chemical burn from those bad boys. Fuck that.

Next, we'll touch on the next droid you were thinking: Data. Again, droid here. And he actually does become sentient in one of the shitty Star Trek movies (I'm guessing an even numbered one). He inserts the emotion chip. And, in another movie, it malfunctions, and he goes on a murderous rampage against the crew of the Enterprise. I don't need to go on, but he actually kills twice more after this, once in the last 2 movies. So, yeah, bad.

And I'm still not done. I know you're thinking Sonny from I, Robot. Fucker killed the CEO of the company. Short Circuit? It's a killing machine manufactured by the army, and it actually takes at least one man hostage. It could have crushed his skull. Bicentenial Man? Any shitty robot movie where Robin Williams is the main character is bad news from the start. He just wanted peace, you say? Fuck that. He's planning his upheaval of society as we know it.

So, the debate is not whether robots will be dangerous or not if they become sentient. They will. The problem is, when we're in the middle of the robot uprising, what do we do? I never thought you'd ask.

Other than kill them, and kill them all, there's not much you can do really. It all starts with destroying anything that could possibly go wrong years in advance. SkyNet from the Terminator movies? Yeah, they should have nuked the facility in the 80's. There's no way that anything good can come of letting robots go.

As far as killing them is concerned, take your pick. You just need to get them in the "brain" we gave them. Grenade up the ass? Fine by me. Shotgun blast to the dome piece? Will work.

Even a kids move (Robots) had bad mojo associated. I'm telling you, get rid of them. All.

C.D.