A Guide for Women and the Super Bowl

As all of you are well aware, the Super Bowl is at 6:30 tonight. I thought, that since so many of you are going to be paying attention to the internet instead of the game, I'd post a few pointers for you so that you can follow the game, and not bug the guys you're with. This guide is also for gay men who know nothing about sports, and straight men who know nothing about sports, however, if you are part of the latter group, I'm revoking your man card. It's inexcusable.

1) Ben Roethlisberger will rape you.

Ben Roethlisberger, number 7, is the quarterback for the Steelers, the team wearing Black and Gold. He got away with rape this past year. Twice. Don't think he'll let you go.

2) Troy Polamalu will probably cry about his hair getting pulled.

Troy Polamalu, number 43, is a safety for the Steelers. He is a great player. I have respect for him in his playing abilities. However, in the rulebook, it states that if your hair is grown out of the helmet, it is considered part of the outer layer of the uniform, like the jersey, and will be treated as such. Any time he gets an interception, and gets tackled by his hair, he is most surely to complain, because he doesn't seem to understand the rules.

3) Hines Ward plays dirty.

Hines Ward, number 83, is a wide receiver for the Steelers. When ever Roethlisberger throws an interception, Ward will hit a player on the opposite team from the blind side. This is dirty. Watch out for him when Roethlisberger throws up a duck.

4) Brett Keisel and Clay Matthews will kill somebody.

Brett Keisel, number 99 for the Steelers, and Clay Matthews, number 52 for the Packers, are flat out monsters on defense for their respective teams. If they don't put someone in the hospital today, I'll be impressed with the amount of restraint each man controls.

5) Sometimes, men don't understand the rules either.

If it's confusing as to the ruling on the field to you, it might be to us as well. For example, Hines Ward may have just made an amazing catch, and it's ruled incomplete. Greg Jennings, number 85 for the Packers, may have made the same exact amazing catch, but in the end zone, and it's ruled a touchdown. Don't ask us. We don't know either.

6) No cheerleaders.

Apparently, there are only 2 teams in the NFL that don't have cheerleaders. They're both playing today. Go figure. The guys you're with actually will be paying attention to the game.

7) Who to root for?

In this Super Bowl, it's easy. If you're from the Pittsburgh area, root for the Steelers. If you're not, understand that rape is not acceptable, and root for the Packers.

8) When in doubt, watch for the commercials.

If you get frustrated with the game, just watch the commercials. Most years, these are more entertaining than the game itself.

C. D.