The Top 5 Most Perverted Artists (You Didn't Think Of)

So, I was driving around in my car, aimlessly wandering from Audubon, to Pottstown, to Reading, and back to Pottstown, listening to copious amounts of music, courtesy of my Zune. Various songs came on (Give It To Me Baby by Rick James, A Little Less Conversation by Elvis, and so on), and a few hit me like a ton of bricks: some of these artists are just plain perverted. The 2 that I just mentioned, you pretty much expect. However, there are a few that you wouldn't, such as...

5) The Police

Yes, I know that Sting has mentioned numerous times about his 10 hour stints for tantric sex, which is why the Police is no higher than 5. But the Police iteration I'm mentioning is before this happened. Let's take a look at some of the lyrics from some very popular Police songs:

Directly from the chorus for Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic:

Everything she does just turns me on.

OK, so I get the whole seductive dancing thing, but does it turn you on that she's picking her nose? Or how about when she gets the flu and there's liquid coming out of every orifice? I understand fetishes, but that's just downright dirty. But, wait, it gets worse:

Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you

That would be the second verse of Every Breath You Take. At least with his voyeurism fetish, it's getting somewhat normal. But that doesn't make it any less illegal, Gordon! Oh, no. I'm on to you.

4) Foo Fighters

I love this band. I truly do. I was upset when Dave Grohl said that they were done with music, and you can understand that I was overjoyed to hear that they basically said "just kidding" and came back. But when it comes to perversion, Dave Grohl probably writes it as one of the best:

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Really, Dave? Drummer from Nirvana, she sang that to you? Sounds like something that an incurably mentally ill rapist says to attempt to get out of, well, a rape charge. Something along the lines of "Officer, I would have stopped, but she told me before we started that, if she were to say stop, that I wouldn't, not until I was done."

3) Led Zeppelin

So, as I've mentioned in a previous post, this band has grown on me. This has given me to foresight to notice, for better or worse, that half of their songs are based on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. And, yes, that song is on Led Zeppelin II. But, the other half? Not as innocent:

You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin',
I'm gonna send you back to schoolin',
Way down inside honey, you need it,
I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you my love.

Oh, Mr. Plant. Why must you be so subtle? First verse of Whole Lotta Love says it all. No, wait, the damn title does. Did I even need to put the lyrics up? Such as with the Police, it does get worse:

You'll be my only, my one and only. Is that the way it should start?
Crazy ways are evident, In the way that you're wearing your clothes
Sippin' booze is precedent as the evening starts to glow.

So you CAN go a little more subtle. But even a retarded monkey can pickup on the fact that you're telling a girl that she's your love of a lifetime so that you can get her drunk and get into her pants. Bravo, Robert. Bravo.

2) The Beatles

The only reason I'm saying the Beatles here as a whole, and not just John Lennon, is because everything was a group decision, at least in the early years. But, let's take a look at some John lyrics, and get this party rolling:

Love you ev'ry day girl,
Always on my mind.
One thing I can say girl,
Love you all the time.
Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love girl,
Eight days a week

Keeping in mind that I Wanna Hold Your Hand came out not that long before, this one seems innocent enough, but that's what Lennon was going for. He's wishing there's an extra day in the week, so he can love you more. And by "love you more", I'm talking about the kind where he humps your leg and gets some goo in your hair. Yeah, like that. But, it gets a little worse:

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...
She showed me her room, isn't it good Norwegian wood?

This song, as claimed by John, is about an affair he had while still married to the mother of his child. But, really? That detailed in the beginning of the song? Christ, at least leave a little to the imagination.

BONUS: Did I mention that this was all about John? Well, Paul's just as guilty:

Well, she was just 17,
You know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare.
So how could I dance with another (ooh)
When I saw her standin' there.

That's not only dirty and incredibly stalkeresque, and just downright illegal where I come from. Don't believe me? Paul was 21 when he wrote this. Something about underage girls just drove him wild.

EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that age of consent laws, on average for the United States, are right around 16 years of age, including the grand old Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, so what Paul's singing about isn't actually illegal. However, I still stand by the "eww" factor of this.

1) Dave Matthews

He's one of the greatest songwriters of the 1990's and today. He's also one of the creepiest.

Don't believe me? Read on:

Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream
Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me

Where to begin? I'm not even going to touch the Peeping Tom aspect of this song, as he's staring at a completely nude woman through a window (how many times have I mentioned "illegal" in this article already). No, I'm going right to the other part. You want a girl to make your childhood fantasies come true by showing you her what I call the worst euphemism for the female sex organ. Your world? You're a great song writer, do better! Oh wait, he did, on the same damn album:

Straight in, suck up and go,
Cool it, swallow, swallow
Breathe deep, take it all
It comes cheap
Push it through the doors
Because in between the lines
I'm gonna pack more lines
So I can get in
Ooh traffic jam got more cars
Than a beach got sand
Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up,
Fill it up until no more
I'm no crazy creep, I've got it coming
To me because I'm not satisfied
The hunger keeps on growing
I eat too much
I drink too much
I want too much
Too much

A bit of a stretch, you say? Not so fast. The way I read these lyrics, it's him talking to himself about giving to the $20 hooker that his older and "wiser" friend got him for his 18th birthday. Because nothing says "welcome to manhood" like a lifetime of penicillin. Seriously, try reading the lyrics now that you're in on that point of view. Sick, huh?

So there you have it. Now that I've successfully presented a case for all of these artists to be on the flip side of what you thought, do me a favor: go and try to listen to these songs the same way you always have.

C. D.